Have you heard of “Moral Injury” before? Now that I know what it is, I see it everywhere!
Moral injury refers to an injury to an individual’s moral conscience and values resulting from an act of perceived moral transgression, which produces profound emotional guilt and shame, and in some cases also a sense of betrayal, anger and profound “moral disorientation”.
Until I read the above statement, I had no idea I suffered from a Moral Injury. I knew I had been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from my time in Afghanistan and I accepted that. When you look at the list of PTSD symptoms, I hit every box. I went for therapy countless times, I took the medications the doctors prescribed, I did everything I was supposed to do, to get well. And I did, for a while, but the symptoms always came back.
It felt like I was in a vicious cycle. Between the depression and flashbacks, I was living life on cruise control. Doing what needed to be done each day but not finding any joy in my days. It was exhausting! Not only for me but for my family as well, never knowing which side of me they could expect.
As it turned out, all the therapy in the world was never going to really help me. I could think logically about the incident that caused my PTSD. I could reconcile the feelings that I had at the time but deep down I did not actually feel better about the incident. I “know” at the time I was dehydrated, under a sustained attack, unfed, living in the black, and not thinking rationally. None of that helped me account for the way I reacted or did not react to this particular incident.
Learning I had a Moral Injury that had never been addressed was the catalyst for my healing. It finally addressed how I viewed myself after the incident. Take the facts out of the incident and you are left with the emotions. I learned I was not the monster I thought I was. I learned I could tell the story and people would not look at me with disgust. I learned I was worthy of happiness! I learned I was worthy.
I will most likely always suffer from PTSD symptoms, but I am at peace thanks to a better understanding of my Moral Injury.
I know there are many out there just like me, it took me far too long to recognize an issue was present, let alone what my true issue was. If you are running through the same thoughts, or similar patterns, I would urge that you do further research on this condition as I can express firsthand how it will truly open your life and free yourself from this. We are all in this together, and no one should have to suffer alone. We understand, and we are here to help.
If you or one of your family members are struggling, reach out to us – we will get you connected with the help necessary to get the healing process started.